
Seniors can sometimes become set in their ways and be a little resistant to change. This alone can cause problems in relationships, but there may also be a history of events and interactions that need to be revisited first – especially if addiction is part of your shared past. Opening communication after a fall out can be difficult, but the senior you reach out to may really appreciate your effort. Your role is to have compassion and remember that sometimes people change…and sometimes, they don’t. If forgiveness sounds impossible, read on to learn how to build that challenging bridge with some time-tested tips from the Drug Alternative Program.
Opening a Dialogue
It can be easier to reconnect with friends or estranged family members over a video phone app like Zoom, because it’s neutral territory and you can get used to seeing the person face-to-face without committing to an actual meeting. It’s possible that old patterns will repeat, and a virtual meeting makes it easier to set boundaries and end the call if necessary.
With seniors, however, you can’t be sure that they’ll be adept in newer technologies and phone apps. It may be that your email goes unanswered because it went to the spam folder, or it may be that their use of email is awkward and too formal. If they use Facebook, you can use Facebook Messenger to let them know you’ve been thinking of them and that you plan to send a good old-fashioned letter. Be patient and try to get a sense of their comfort level before really opening up.
Effective Communication
A letter isn’t a bad way to start because it can allow you to present information in an organized and thorough way. However, there is always the chance that they may get stuck on one thing they disagree on, and ignore a lot of the other things you have to say. Be prepared for difficult conversations and, as Healthline suggests, be open to their point of view. They may have a different understanding of what happened between the two of you, and different ideas of what they’d like to get out of the relationship.
You may find yourself negotiating with this person. In that case, it’s important that you prepare yourself mentally. As much as possible, try to remain calm and relaxed. It’s also vital that you don’t put yourself above or below them.
Go in with lowered expectations, keep your guard up, and go slowly. If they’ve hurt you in the past or if they’ve historically been sensitive to your criticism, you don’t want to hurt each other all over again. But it’s important that you prepare for the emotional aspect of your conversation and internalize some effective communication strategies. And be prepared to really listen. Try not to interrupt if they say something you disagree with, because sometimes affirming their version of things with a simple, “I hear you,” or “I understand what you’re saying,” can go a long way toward mending a friendship, even if you don’t entirely see eye to eye.
Find the Support They Need
Sometimes we’re called in by others to help a senior family member in a challenging time. When you’ve been estranged, it can be frustrating to maybe feel like you’re the last resort, being called for help because things are bad and perhaps there is nobody else to lend a hand. Rather than focusing on negative energy, find it within yourself to get the necessary help. This could be anything from arranging food deliveries to sourcing senior-friendly rentals or even locating an appropriate nursing home for convalescence or for an ongoing situation. Any of this can be overwhelming and emotionally draining, so take your time and research what your options are.
People are People
We’ve all got flaws. If you’re seeking to reconnect, then on some level you believe this person is good at their core, and that you love them despite their flaws. Set boundaries so that you go into it knowing what kinds of behaviors you’re willing to accept, and what you would consider deal breakers.
If the person is manipulative or if they have a tendency to exaggerate or lie, and if this kind of behavior makes it difficult to impossible to see them in a positive light, then you may have to be blunt about how they’ve made you feel. When people lie, they don’t like being called out on it; but it may also be the only way to change the behavior.
Be Patient and Try Your Best
Making amends can be difficult. It requires a lot of compassion, humility and openness. There will be hurt and difficulty getting words to come out right. Your patience will be required if you are going to get to the payoff. As much as they need to be forgiven, remember that as Mayo Clinic points out, it’s also good for us to forgive.
Discover a healthier, addiction-free life with guidance from the Drug Alternative Program.
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